


Stay With Me

by Fanofthebastillelife



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-08-31 06:32:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 19,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8567848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanofthebastillelife/pseuds/Fanofthebastillelife
Summary: Loosely based off of 'If I Stay' By Gayle Forman.Some say it's not my fault. They're liars. Every single one of them. It was my fault, and now I have to live with that.Set before the release of Wild World.





	1. Chapter 1

**Sorry for any mistakes in this. I promised I'd get a chapter up yesterday but due to sociology and an essay I had to write I couldn't, so I promised it today. So, here it is. It might be very poorly written as I haven't had chance to look through it and correct it- well, I tried to, but I just don't have time properly to do it well. Sorry!**

**Enjoy, anyway!**

 

 

Dan & I have been together for little under three years; our anniversary in just a week, and honestly, it seems that everything, up to now, is going perfectly. Everyone- excuse me- almost everyone, has supported us in our relationship, despite the few disagreements and obstacles we had found along our way, but they don't mean much. The biggest problem we encountered was with my parents. Being strict Christians, when I came out at only fourteen, they didn't agree with it. Within ten minutes of them having this information, I was left to fend for myself in the cold London streets, and without a home. I haven't spoken to them since. They clearly didn't care about me then, so they don't need to care about me now. It's simple, really.

Dan & I do live together- however, we're not that silly type of couple that has to spend every waking hour in each other's company. We live with our band mate, Will, but he's mostly at his girlfriend's house. I think he may be moving in with her soon, but correct me if I'm wrong, despite having a child with another woman already, but I'll get to that later. Her apartment is simply too small for two adults and a small child to live in, so they've saved up for a decently sized house. Yeah, and about me and Dan being that type of couple- Dan's not even here right now. He's in Leeds, visiting some old Uni mates. He offered to take me along with him, but I'm too lazy to go all that way just to talk to some people I don't know, so I just chose to stay here...

"Kyle!" Will calls up the stairs, waiting a beat before he calls again. "Kyle?"

I roll out of the comfort of mine and Dan's bed with a heavy sigh, getting to my feet and opening the door. "Yeah?" I shout back, leaning against the wooden frame of the door.

"I'm going to the studio. Are you coming with me?" He offers kindly. He has a part for one of the new songs to record which hasn't been done yet. I stand, still leaning in the doorway, and ponder the question, giving a glance to the TV, which only plays rubbish daytime TV. I'm mainly just scrolling through social media, replying to fans, and texting Dan whilst lying on the bed in nothing but boxers. I glance into the cold hallway.

"Er... Yeah, just give me a minute!" I call back, diving across the room to fetch a fresh pair of underwear and skinny jeans, which I slip into, along with a t shirt as I descend the stairs. I grab my shoes, and quickly slip them on.

"That's a world record for anybody getting dressed..." Will laughs, rolling his eyes as he watches me doing my shoes up.

"Oh," I say, knotting my laces, and winking jokingly at Will. "Because you were watching, huh, William?"

"No- shut up. You know what I meant!" He says defensively, shaking his head. He pushes me forward, and out of the door. "Let's go, you idiot." The house has three steps leading up and down the porch, which I take the liberty of jumping down. Will sighs, "You're going to fall and hurt yourself doing that one day, you know?"

Will is in his early thirties, and the very proud father to his little princess four year old, Elizabeth, who is currently at school. She is the spitting, double image of her father, with brown hair, and kind, grey eyes. She's so beautiful, and so funny. Will's so proud of her- she's Dan and I's God daughter. I love her.

Her mother, Will's ex partner, as soon as she found out she was pregnant, told Will he would be taking care of her, saying that 'at this point in her career she doesn't need a child.' Which, may I add, whilst isn't fair on Will's side, he didn't protest it. He loves Elizabeth to death and back, and he would do anything for her.

The ground is covered by quite a thick blanket of snow, which is a rare occurrence in England, never mind the whole of the UK. Thankfully, as Will may have expected me to, I didn't slip and break my neck. I turn around, sticking my tongue out at him. "I swear you're secretly a five year old, or something. I really don't know how Dan puts up with you, half the time." Will shoves his hands in his coat pockets after locking the door, and we make our way to the car.

Most of the schools in the UK are closed today because of the snow, which no one expected, and the few grit lorries in London are out at work. As a child, it would have annoyed me that my school was open when others had the day off, but Elizabeth didn't seem phased. She loves school. Kids play along the streets, throwing snow balls at each other, and riding down hills on their sleds. I'm slightly envious of them, I must admit.

"Which means, Lord Farq, you will die before me." I smirk, waiting by the passenger side door for him to open it, which he takes his time doing.

"Not if I can help it." Will mutters, putting the keys in the car door. He looks up to me, smiling to let me know he's joking, which I obviously knew.

"Fucking Hell, Will! Will you hurry up?" I burst into laughter, realising my joke, but still wrap my arms around me for the emphasis. "Ha, get it. Will will?"

"Oh, would you look at that, I just have the wrong keys with me," Will jokes, taking them back out the car. I show him my middle finger, and he laughs, unlocking the door properly this time.

 

The journey wasn't a long one. An hour, tops if the traffic is bad, but because of the snow, it's not today, so half an hour, or there abouts.

The heating is on high to warm us both up as Will drives through the streets, and I scroll through Facebook on my phone. It's pretty boring, especially because we're going slow because of the possible ice on the roads.

I laugh aloud at one of the pictures of our bands drummer, Woody, which he had put up. It's of his wife, stood next to a drawing of him. "Will, look at this," I laugh, going to show him the picture.

Will doesn't take his eyes away from the road. "I'm driving, Kyle. It can wait." He tells me.

"It'll take two seconds. We'll be all right," I urge, shoving the phone closer to him. Will sighs, diverting his attention from the road temporarily. Lovely, he mutters under his breath, nodding. But that moment he looked away was all the car needed, as it violently jerks to the right, and into the on coming lane. "Will!" I shout. Will panics, pressing any and every peddle he can, though he eventually stalls the car. We'd slipped on a patch of ice that nobody had seen. Another car was speeding towards us, far enough to stop, but the driver wasn't paying attention. They weren't going to stop.

We collided with the car at high speed, causing us to flip over and land in the ditch just off of the road, upside down.

The last image I saw was of Will's pained face as we collided with the car, as he still tried desperately to control the car. He had stuck his hand out in front of me so I wouldn't fly forwards. And like that, the walls crumbled.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. T w o

It isn't long after a few of my sense come back that I hear the sirens echoing through the landscape. The brightness of the white snow stings my eyes, making me cover them with my forearm as I lie there. I'm the cold snow atop the bank, and I'm not quite sure why. Surely I'd be in the car? How had I come out? My body is relieved of pain, and I can't feel anything but the pain in my eyes that the intense light causes. 

I stagger to my feet, resembling Bambi slightly, and notice the crowd that look into the ditch. The road is at a complete stand-still, and low whispers fill the air. But then it hits me: The car.

The aftermath of the crash is like a small bomb has been set off. The bushes have been wiped out by the car which is complete destroyed. I spin around in a circle, hoping to see my friend stood with me.  _Will should be with me. Will should be with me._

A spiral of fear and dread burns in the pit of my stomach as I realise that's where Will is. A whirlwind of emotions storms through me and my hands begin to shake. I feel sick to my bones.

"Will!" I shout as loud as possible although it sounds like everything is underwater. "Will! Is Will okay?" I ask someone, although they completely ignore me, not even meeting my eyes. No one seems to be paying attention to me, and all I want is to make sure that Will is okay.

The ambulance pulls up next to us with the sirens and lights on, and I take a chance and run towards the car, looking through the window and praying that Will is okay, that he's awake.

But he isn't.

He's lying against the steering wheel, blood running from his mouth and nose, and it runs down the steering wheel and onto the floor. He's a complete mess- his eyes are closed and his body is twisted and mangled in the wreckage that once was a car. The whole of the front has imploded, and it looks like it's crushed his legs.

"Will, wake up!" I plead with him, wanting nothing more than him to sit up and laugh at me, telling me it's jus a joke. "Will, please wake up! It's not funny anymore- it's serious!" Tears prickle my eyes at seeing my usually such strong friend in such a state. Paramedics rush by, talking into their walkie talkies without even looking at me.

"Two males, serious car crash, both unresponsive, late twenties, early thirties," one of them says which leaves me confused.  Two males?

And then my body is pulled out of the car. "What the fuck is happening?" Tears stream down my face and I can't help but think this is all a joke.

 

As far as I'm aware, I'm in the ICU now, and they've already done several surgeries on me. Will's still in surgery, I think. He looked awful when I saw him come in in the second ambulance. Bandages covered his body, and a make on his face was being pumped to help him breathe as they read aloud his details.

It feels too strange to see Will like that, so... So helpless. He's always been the stronger, tougher one of the band (well, Woody would challenge that), and seeing him almost dead just looks fake. I can't believe it.

The first time I met Will was when I was watching one of Dan's very early shows in a pub not too far from the centre of London about three years ago. Dan and I had only just started going out at the time, and Will was sat at the table next to me sipping on some cheap, shitty drink his friend had bought him, but the friend wasn't there anymore.

He nodded his head and tapped his foot on the floor along to the beat. He caught me looking at him because I was quite blown away that someone was getting so into Dan's music in a pub full of drunk people. He seemed friendly enough when he smiled and said, "He's alright, isn't he?" With a nod towards Dan. "Got some proper talent. Don't see much of it around here, only drunkards on the karaoke." 

I smiled and listened to Dan play the correct keys in the background, singing the lyrics confidently. "He practices a lot," I told him, "Dan and night. Sometimes you have to physically peel him off of that damned keyboard," I joked, although Dan and I know that's true.

"You know him?" The man smiled, "That's awesome!" He had stuck his hand out in my direction. "My name is Will."

I shook his hand. "My names Kyle. And yeah we've known each other for a while." I didn't want to say anything about Dan and I being together- homophobia was a regular occurrence in pubs back then, and honestly, I really couldn't be bothered with it. Especially not whilst Dan was playing and I was having a good time. "He's played as long as I've known him."

Will stroked the bit of stubble that was growing on his chin. "That's cool. Do you play any instruments?" 

I shrugged, "Bit of synth, bit of guitar here and there, and keyboard. I'm nothing special, though. Probably won't produce any hits," I joked, laughing. It wasn't anything big, and it wasn't like I could have made a future out of it- if only I'd known. "You?" 

"Bass, guitar, bit of keys. Not too good, though." Will shook his head and ran his hand through his reasonably short hair, a trait that reminded me of Dan. "I've been hoping for a while to get a job in the music department somewhere but nothing is going. I got fired yesterday, whoops..." 

I laughed and asked why, only to find out that he'd fallen asleep on the job, and the manager came in and took a few things and then woke up Will, giving him a lecture about how anything in the store could have been stolen by anyone who walks in, and fired him. Will tried his best to hold back the laughter that was threatening to bubble up and spill over.

"I'm basically unemployable- useless, me." Will concluded, picking up his glass and downing the rest of the drink, and continuing. "Fucking sucks for me and my little girl. We're basically fucked. Bills need to be paid and all that." He put his glass down on the table with a heavy hand. "What's your poison, then?" 

I refused a drink from him, but Will had insisted.

 

We had become pretty good friends just in that night. He, Dan and I regularly met up for a drink down at the pub. He'd managed to find another job just to tide him over for a bit, and eventually, after many lies and a great deal of convincing, Dan had decided to let Will join the band. He often brought his little girl, Elizabeth, along with him. She was only a few months old then.

That night really changed a lot- I mean, Woody was already in the band with Dan and I, so Will was just the icing on the cake and finishing to the product really. The band was pretty good and I was fond of the songs that Dan had spent hours during the dead of night working on. Our rising popularity meant more festivals, shows and tours, and life was pretty much perfect.

Until now, at least.

Footsteps echo down the hallway quickly, and I presumed that it was another doctor. The smell of disinfectant is strong in the air, but I wish I was able to feel the burning sensation it would give you in your nose, just to remind me that I'm alive.

This whole thing is overwhelming and the volcano of emotions which builds up inside of me is ready to erupt. When it does, I suspect it will probably shatter my heart and kill me.

A nurse walks into my room and allows me to slip out of the door as it closes behind her. I've lost my ability to carry out simple actions like opening doors, to say I was invisible to everyone else, so I'm trapped in rooms for hours on end before someone comes in.

I sink against the cold, blue wall and put my head in my hands, tangling my fingers in my hair that has become slightly damp for some reason.  _Fuck, fuck, fuck. Please, Will, please be okay..._ I send a mental prayer to any and every God I could think of and take in a lungfull of air, letting it burn my lungs and fill them with fire. Tears prickle in my eyes and I bite my lip to stop them falling.

"Kyle?" A soft, familiar voice calls, making my heart leap from my chest.

 


	3. T h r e e

When I look up, I notice that he isn't staring into the room where my broken, bruised body lies. He's staring at me, making eye contact. Stood next to me. Right now.

I stand up, throwing myself into Will. My arms wrap around him and I grip the back of his t-shirt as though he'll just disappear if I let go of him. Like me, he's shaking, but he wraps his arms around me nevertheless. 

"What's happening?" My voice shakes and tears flood my eyes, fear overwhelming my body. It seems I'm not alone in my fears. "How can you see me?!" 

"I don't know..." Will mumbles back, still hugging me tightly. God knows he needs it as much as I do. "Nobody can see me, neither. I don't know how any of this happened, it's like we're ghosts..." Will sighs as we finally let each other go. We go and take a seat on the plastic chairs just a few feet away from us.

The silence we sit in is somewhat uncomfortable and awkward. Neither of us know what to say, so we just sit there.

Will takes a deep breath, taking in the much needed oxygen as a trio of doctors and nurses walk past. "How are you... Your body... I don't know what you'll call it, your  _body._ What's happening with you?"

"Well," I gesture to the door just in front of us, "I don't know. Intensive care, broken ribs, broken leg... I think I'm off life support and they had to do a lot of surgery on me, internal bleeding for the most part I think." The conversation feels almost casual. "How about you?"

Will's voice cracks, "I don't think I'm gonna make it, Ky..." Will covers his face with his hands, leaning and resting his elbows on his knees. Tears begin to fall from his eyes, and my heart pangs. "I'm on life support. It messed me up pretty bad..." He moves his hands and looks at me, his eyes shining with tears and his face marked with tear streaks. "I don't wanna die..." 

My arms wrap around Will once more as I try my best to comfort my friend, but I can't find the correct words to speak. "No- Will! I'm sure..." 

"Listen, if... If I don't make it..." Will closes his eyes and sniffles, wiping his hands over his face. "Tell Liz that I love her, yeah? And I trust you to take the best care that you can of her. I don't want her with anyone but you or Dan."

Tears prickle my own eye now, the heavy weight of my actions hanging on my shoulders. "I'm so sorry, Will," I whisper with a weak voice. I feel like such a child, "This is all my fault..." Will opens his mouth, but I stop him before he can say anything. "If I hadn't of shown you that picture then you wouldn't be on the verge of death, and neither of us would be in this position at all."

"It's not your fault, Kyle. The car would have slipped even if you wasn't with me. Don't live the rest of your life thinking this is your fault, because it's not."

I attempt to lighten the mood, "Any regrets?" I ask, which earns a nod from Will.

"Tonnes. Billions." Will tells me with a shake of his head. "I never took Liz to Disneyland like I promised her. Never got married. Never gonna see you and Dan get married. Not going to meet my grandchildren or any other children I wanted, and I'm not going to meet your children." Will gets lost for a minute. "What if I do die, though?"

"Hey, you're not going to die," I tell him, "You have a choice right now. You  _decide_ if you want to live, or if you want to die. You fight for your life, Will, and you will win."

"I'm trying, Kyle. I'm really, really trying, and nothing is happening. It's bad enough that I have to leave you lot behind, never mind my  _four-year-old_ daughter. I'm tired, Kyle, I'm so tired. I've been fighting for my life for the past few hours and I'm exhausted." Will stares at me, "But... Just  _if_ I don't make it, I'll be with you guys, though, always." 

"Always?" 

"You think you can get rid of me that easily?" Will laughs, watching a nurse as he approaches and stops at my room with a senior doctor.

"We've contacted his emergency contact, Mr Daniel Smith, who's on his way down from Leeds and should be here soon. As for Mr Farquarson, his phone is completely destroyed. We can't turn it on whatsoever, but we'll give it to Mr Smith anyway, he knows both of them." The doctor looks down at the notes in his hands, then back at me. "We've looked at his files, also. He has a daughter."

"Who?"

"Farquarson. She's only young, Sir. Mr Smith is picking her up from school on the way here." He tells the doctor, who nods.

"How is he?" 

"Not good, Doc. He's in a medically-induced coma, and he has a very low survival rate. There was a lot of internal bleeding, Sir, as you know. As it stands, it looks as though he'll never walk again. But he can still survive if he tries hard enough, if he fights."

"Will! See! You can live!" I smile at him, springing up from my seat. The nurse and doctor turn around but don't take any acknowledgement of Will and I, looking back in front of them with a shrug. "You've got to!" 

The doctor's walkie talkie says something that I can't quite make out over my excitement over the fact Will and I can wal-  _get_ away from all of this. The pair walk off, leaving Will and I alone.

 

A while later, possibly an hour or two, when Will and I have moved to the main reception, we see a taxi pull up and a mess that is Dan climbs out. Relief flows through me, and I can see Will swallow a lump in his throat as he sees his daughter by Dan's side. 

"Uncle Dan, where are we?" Liz asks looking up to Dan with big, grey eyes. Her small hand looks drowned by Dan's much larger one.

"Daddy and Uncle Kyle got in a bit of an accident, Sweetie," Dan explains, crouching down to her level so they can see each other properly. Through his shield he has put up to hide his true emotions, I can still see that he's on the verge of a breakdown.

"An accident? What sort of accident? Are they okay?" She asks in a small, worried voice.

Dan rises back to his feet, muttering, "I really, really hope so, Kiddo."

Will saunters over to Liz as they stand at the front desk. Tears fill his already red eyes, but Liz just stares blankly ahead, and Dan wipes his eyes.

"Oh my God," Will's voice cracks as he looks at his little girl. I give them their space, standing back and just watching them. Will kisses Liz's forehead, putting his shaking hands firmly on her shoulders. "Liz?" He calls, "Elizabeth, can you hear me?" She doesn't pay any attention as she glances up to Dan, who bends down to pick her up. Will's hands fall from her shoulders. "Liz!" 

"Hello, I'm- er-, I'm here to see K-Kyle Simmons and Will Farquarson," Dan speaks to the receptionist with a voice he doesn't quite trust not to break. The receptionist's nails annoyingly clicks and clacks on the plastic keyboard in front of her.

"Both are in the the ICU," she tells Dan with a voice lacking all emotion. "Only family allowed... So I guess you can't go in..." She stares at him, noisily chewing gum.

"I'm Kyle's boyfriend," Dan growls through gritted teeth as he glares daggers at the woman, "And this is Will's daughter- Mine and Kyle's Goddaughter, so yeah, we can go in." 

The receptionist seems slightly shocked by Dan's response, her eyes widening and annoying chewing coming to an abrupt stop. "Oh..." Her voice lost the tone that it already lacked. "Go right ahead, then." Dan begins to walk away from the desk, and I can't help but feel the anger burning in my stomach and the smoke running through my veins just like Dan feels. We both, and Will, hear her turn to the other receptionist and say, "He's one of them, he's gay."

Dan rolls his eyes at the comment, and Will just glares at her despite the fact that she can't see him. "Uncle Danny," Liz asks, "What's gay?" The question makes Will and I laugh, and watch as Dan's cheeks flush red.

"It's, erm..." Dan thought. "When... When a man loves another man, or a woman loves another woman, like a man loves a woman," he tries to explain it.

Liz nods in understanding. "Are you and Uncle Kyle gay?" She asks innocently.

"Yes, Sweetie. We are." 

"How much do you love him?" She questions again, remaining unphased by the amount of passing rooms. Will and I follow them.

"You know how much you love turtles and sea horses, huh?" Dan responds, watching Liz as she nods enthusiastically. She's always had a love for the sea creatures. "I love Kyle that much, but times a zillion." 

Liz laughs, "Are you gonna get married? Can I be the flower girl and wear a pretty dress?" 

Dan slows down a little, making Will and I stop, too. "I sure hope so, Love." He walks off again, turning the corner, having a mental debate on who to see first.

"He should take Liz to see you," I tell Will as we stand with Dan, even though the panicking man is completely oblivious to our presence. 

"You're his boyfriend." 

"You're her Dad." 

" _Kyle..._ I'm not going to be able to walk again. You know what that means? That means no more touring, no more music making unless we have somewhere with a lift. Mark doesn't. I have low chances of waking up. Even if I do fight for it, who's to say I will wake up?" 

"Oh my God, Will! You have a daughter, a  _fucking_ daughter! And you're going to leave it all behind because you won't be able to make music and because you do[n't want to me in a wheel chair?" I shove him harshly. Regret fills me, but I continue regardless. "All the memories you'll be missing out on! Liz's first day of secondary school, her first boyfriend, prom, first dance at her wedding, your grandchildren! You're going to throw it all away because you're being bloody selfish? Oh my God, Will... That's stupid." I storm from the corridor and after Dan as Will just stands there in shock.

I catch up with Dan just outisde the door to my room, someone else by his side. Will's girlfriend, Lily, stands there. She's so pretty, with long blonde hair that reaches past her waist an green eyes. Will thinks the world of her, and would quite happily give her the world. She accepted everything that happened with Liz and her mum, and was kindly accepted into the family.

"Yeah, honey, he's really tired." Lily takes Liz from Dan's arms, stepping in for him as he looks at me.

"Oh... Can we wake him up?" She asks as she is placed on the floor. Lily holds her hand gently.

"No we can't, not yet." Lily tells her, "He's really sick and needs to rest, that's when me and you can't go inside to see him. The hospital will take good care of him."

Tears fall from Dan eyes, "Oh," Liz says, standing on her tiptoes to look into the room at my body before she falls back onto the heels of her feet. "I hope he's okay. Is he dead?" 

"Oh- God, no, honey. He's alive, he's just sleeping." Lily corrects the young girl quickly. I walk slowly towards Dan, wrapping my arms around him, even if he can't feel it.

"Where's Daddy? Wasn't he going to pick me up from school?" Liz looks up to Lily.

"He's asleep, too, but we can go and see him. Do you want to?" Liz nods. Lily places her hand gently on Dan's shoulder and tells him where they're going. "I'm sure he's going to be okay, Dan, you know him better than anyone." 

Dan only nods in response. It's something he does when he's upset, he doesn't talk much as he never trusts his voice. Lily pats his shoulder before heading off in the direction of Will's room.

Seeing Dan like this is a whole new pain. He stares helplessly at my almost lifeless body. He doesn't deserve this- and it's all my fault. It's all because of me. Will might die  _because of me._ Dan's got to see me in this state  _because of me._ Will, the other driver, and myself could have died  _because of me._

"Dan," I call him carefully, "Dan, listen to me. Dan! What the fuck, this is so unfair! Why can't you hear me?!" I shout the loudest I can just to get his attention, but my attempts turn to failures as he still can't hear me. Tears fall down my face. I just want to feel his arms around me,  _to kiss him._

"Excuse me, sir?" A nurse asks him as she walks past, "May I help you?" She seems polite enough, giving Dan a sweet yet apologetic smile as he turns his attention towards her.

"Uh...Yeah...I'm-uh...K-Kyle Simmons," He stuttered out, "I-I'm here to s-see him," His voice cracks as he wipes the sleeve of his all too familiar grey hoodie to clear his face free of tears.

"Are you family? We can't really allow any friends or anything like that. He needs as much rest as he can possibly get, and, well, as you can see he's not really in the best shape to be seeing anyone at this current moment in time." 

"I'm his boyfriend..." Dan explains.

"Oh, that's completely fine, then. I'm awfully sorry. Is there any chance you know his parents' phone number? It's madatory that we call the parents if there's a serious accident if it's at all possible." 

Dan shakes his head, "He doesn't have anything to do with them," he tells them. I zone out of the conversation, not caring to listen anymore about my parents.

Before I know it, Dan places his hand on the cold, mental door handle and pushes it down. He allows himself in the room, and without knowing, myself, since I slip in behind him before he can shut up.

"Oh, Kyle," he whispers as he stares at me. It's clear he doesn't know what to do or say, and I don't really blame him.

Something moves behind me which I catch out of the corner of my eye. Will walks past the window with his head down, walking towards his room. The guilt of my actions begins to set in, and as much as I hate to admit it, I know Will has a fair point. He shouldn't have to spend the rest of his life disabled in a wheelchair because of me, especially at this point in our career. It won't be ideal at all, but I'd never forgive myself if he died. It's my fault that we're in this mess in the first place.

Dan sits on the small, plastic chair that sits at the side of my bed, and I take a moment as he sits in silence to look over and assess the damage done to my body.

Wires and drips cover me, feeding the right and needed liquids and blood into my body. An oxygen mask covers the majority of my face, and bandages cover most of my body. My hair is askew and pointing in all directions, reminding me of Dan's when he wakes up in the morning. The parts of my face that aren't covered by the mask are covered in cuts and bruies which colour my skin.

"God, Kyle, what the fuck happened?" Dan picks up my cold hand and puts it in his much warmer one. I can feel my hand grow warmer, and a tinging grows up my arm. He takes a deep breath and rests his chin on his forearm at the sie of my bed. "Jesus, Ky..."

"Dan, it's my fault," I try and tell him, "Dan, listen to me. I love you."

"Kyle, I love you so much. Please wake up."


	4. F o u r

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what's your guy's opinions so far?

There are far too many tubes over, on, and inside of me that I can't even count every single one. There's one down my throat breathing for me, one up my nose which keeps my stomach empty, one in my bladder which pees for me, and there a multiple in my chest to measure my heartbeat, and a plastic clamp on my finger to ensure accurate results. My eyes are taped shut which looks not only uncomfortable but annoying.

Dan is asleep by my bed, my own hand clamped tightly in his as he sleeps. I can feel the warmth as it radiates up my arm. His head rests on his forehead, his ocean blue eyes that I've fallen in love with countless times before closed and resting. All I want to do is to hold him, to kiss him. God, I wish I could even let him know that I'm here. I'm breathing, I'm listening, I'm seeing. I understand.

Lily had to take Liz home. She called Will's parents to inform them both of the situation. It's a hard job, and the hospital offered to do it for her, but I'm pretty sure they'd prefer to hear it from their to be daughter-in-law. Elizabeth wanted to stay with her dad, so he could read her a story or tell her one of his own, and talk to him. But now it's different, and it's heartbreaking. She'd tried to wake him up once herself.

I haven't had much chance to talk to Will, as strange as that sounds. But I haven't seen him since we can't leave our rooms unless someone opens the door. Honestly, though, all I want to do is stay with Dan as much as I can. I figure it'll make him feel less lonely if someone is with him- even if he doesn't know it.

Someone snaps Dan and I out of sleep as they call Dan, and I look up to see our long haired friend Woody walking into the room. "Dan," he says quietly, "Dan, it's Woody. I'm so sorry," I look over to my bed where I lie, Dan following my actions. I look the same as I did yesterday. "How're you holding up?" 

Woody holds out his arms for Dan, who looks as though he really needs it. Like a toddler, Dan stands and hugs Woody back, "I miss him," he says with a weak voice full of sorrow and exhaustion. "I miss him so, so much, Woody." Woody remains silent and doesn't say anything to fill the stuffy silence as he hugs him back, giving him the support he needs. "Do you know anything about Will, yet? I haven't been to see him. God, that's shitty. I really should..."

"I haven't, either. I've only just got here. I figured you'd need someone to talk to, anyway. I wanted to make sure you're okay." Woody smiles sadly at Dan and looks down to my body. "How is he? Like, you know, is he stable? Will he... Will he live?" 

"They said that currently he's stable, but whatever happens next is down to him. It's his choice." Dan repeats the words the doctor told him yesterday, "My God, Woody. I can't live without him..." 

Woody pats Dan's back. "I know, I know. Kyle wouldn't leave you if it meant he had everything in the world. " He says quietly, "Come on, let's have five minutes outside, and then we'll go and see Will, okay? You need some space to breathe." 

Dan agrees and follows Woody out of the room. Unbeknownst to them, I trail behind them, listening their conversation.

"Do you think it's really up to him?" Woody questions Dan as they walk towards main reception through the corridors that smell horribly of hand sanitizer and latex gloves. "Do you think he can really decide?" 

Dan just shrugs as he continues to walk, "I don't really know... But if he can, I hope he comes back soon." 

Never before have I heard Dan sound so hurt or so broken. His normal chirpy, happy self seems so long gone, and I just want to remind him I'm still here... Look what I've done.

 

Mr and Mrs Farquarson look at their son with tears and sympathy in their eyes. Will isn't in the room with us, which I find strange. I wonder where he can be? His body is still here, just not him.

It must be so hard for them to look at their son with the knowledge that he may never walk again, and that's only if he wakes up. It's hard enough with him being a best friend, never mind your own child that you raised...

They give Dan and Woody a warm, welcoming look as they enter the room. Their eyes are so full of hope for their son, yet despair for him, too. The four don't really talk to each other because, really, there's not much that can be said.

Though, after about ten minutes or so of silence, apart from the beeping of the heart monitor, Mr Farquarson speaks up. "The doctors said he'll never walk again. He'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. And that's if he somehow manages to pull through with the quarter chance he's been given."

Woody has always been the optimist of the group, and even now he maintains his role. "Sir, you know more than any of us how strong Will is. He won't let this slip away- he'll be back before you know it," he tries his best to comfort them, but my mind flickers to the conversation Will and I had. He seemed so weak, so exhausted like he didn't want to fight for it anymore. Though I hope that seeing Liz and Lily has changed his mind.

"We hope so," his dad wraps his arm around his wife's sobbing frame. "How's Kyle?" 

"For the time being, he's stable," Dan says, "It was a patch of black ice on the road that did it- nobody had seen it before. The car slipped, and then..." Pain fills his eyes, and I know there's a sob building in his throat, but he tries to look strong for them as he continues.

 

I'd managed to slip out of the room when a doctor walked in to speak to Will's parents, and Dan and Woody followed in my invisible footsteps as they walked back to my room, giving the couple some space.

I wonder the corridors alone in an attempts to find Will since he wasn't in the path between the two units like I'd hoped and suspected he would be. There's simply no where else that I can think of that he could be.

I search through the bottom and lower floors first, checking wherever I can to see if I can find him, slipping in and out of rooms where possible, and I move to the higher floors when there was still no sign of him, but my search remains unsuccessful.

With my tail tucked between my legs, I head back to my room, anger filling me and disappointment. I was angry that I had said such things in the first place, and I was disappointed that I had failed in searching for him. But that's when my mind clears, because I see  ** __** _them._

 


	5. F i v e

In the September running up to my thirteenth birthday, I was placed into a different history class. I had done extremely well on my mock exam, so they moved me up into a smarter class. Inside this class was a boy. He was thirteen already, and I guess I'd never really seen him around school before. He was different but in a good way. He was quiet yet so loud at the same time. In my eyes, he was just  _perfect-_ well, no Daniel, but good enough. I found myself being unable to take my eyes off of him during the infinitely long lessons, it was just too hard of a task to complete. He never looked back at me, but I know he knew who I was.

One lesson, we'd been set a task to do. I can't remember what it was- I wasn't listening to the teacher because I was far too busy in my own little world. As I just stared blankly ahead at the boy whilst everyone else, including himself, was writing, my friend elbowed me. "What's up with you?" He asked, "You a fag or something?" At the time I had laughed it off, but in the back of my mind, the question remained.

What if I  _am_ gay? I had wondered to myself. The whole community was homophobic- being gay was basically a death sentence. Especially to my parents.

I gave it a long and hard thought, taking everything into account. I'd never actually had a girlfriend, and it was never girls who caught my attention. It was strange, but I hated it, I  _resented_ it, until I came to the final conclusion:

I'm gay.

I spent two years with the secret under my belt, continuing to live in my families nice, warm house with my loving parents and several siblings. It was a difficult secret to keep, but I somehow managed... For a while.

 

The day I came out to my parents and decided that the time was right, I knew instantly I'd made a big mistake. I knew their view about homosexuality, but I figured with me being their son, they'd see there was no difference. I just like men, not women.

I sat them down in the living room, my older brother and sister, and my parents. My younger siblings were all upstairs in their bedrooms. They were sat on the sofa, and  was sat on the armchair opposite with shaking hands. God knows how they'd take the news.

"I-I'm...Gay..." I had muttered quietly, getting straight to the point. I was hoping I'd look up to my family and see warm faces full of acceptance, but I got the opposite.

Stone eyes stare back at me, although my dad's are different from the red. They're glazed over in anger. "You're... You're  _what?!"_ He demanded, anger rising in his voice. "Are you kidding? You're not actually a fag, are you?"

"I...I-I," I tried to give some sort of answer, but he rose from the sofa and slammed his fist into the wall.

"You  _fucking freak!_ No son of mine is going to be one of those  _things."_ He roared, and all I could do was look to my mum for help, but her eyes were stone, too, this time wet with tears.

"Dad, no, I-" 

"I'm  _not_ your bloody dad! And you certainly are not my God damn  _son!"_ He turned to me with a face red with fury and his voice coming out like a dragon's screech. He stormed over to me and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt before he threw me against the wall, and held me there. "You're a freak! No son of mine will ever be a fucking faggot, and we're certainly not having one staying under our roof!" He lifted me off my feet, being the short kid I was at the time, and threw me in the direction of the door. I crashed into it, "I said  _get out!"_

I didn't really have a choice but to run. If I didn't, he probably would have killed me. I wouldn't have put it past him at all.

I spent weeks on the streets. Once my brother spread my secret around school the bullies turned on me straight away. I would often walk late at night limping, bruises covering me with a black eye because they'd beat me up. The teachers didn't even care- after all, I was just a fag to them, too.

But that's how I met Dan.

He's just finished school when he found me. Rain battered the streets and I think he was coming back from college or sixth form, even though it was quite late and very dark. I was only fifteen, starving and in desperate need of a warm place to stay. I'd been sleeping on a bench since the streets were almost empty.

"Mate, you all right?" He had asked, leaning down next to me, and shaking me. I groaned in response, just wanting to sleep. "Kid?" 

"What?" 

"I said: Are you all right?" He repeated calmly, then got a closes look at me. "Jesus Christ... What on earth happened to you?" 

"N-nothing..." 

His hand remained on my shoulder. "Do you have anywhere to go?" With annoyanced, I'd cracked my eyes open to see him- and my God he took my breath away. His stunny blue eyes were like a light to guide me from the storm, and he was  _beautiful._ "What's your name?" 

"Kyle. I don't have anywhere to stay, no." 

He seemed to have a mental debate with himself, before his features finally softened with care. "Do you want to sleep at mind? It's not really safe for a kid like you to be sleeping out in the streets. You'll catch your death." 

"It hasn't bothered anyone before," I had told him, shivering slightly in my soaking wet shirt, "Are you sure? I'll be o-" 

"Look at yourself, Kyle. You're skinny as Hell, you're lying on a bench, it's almost eleven o'clock at night, it's pissing it down, you're covered in bruises and you have no where to go. You're certainly not okay." 

And he took me in. He fed me, gave me a warm place to stay with himself and his lovely family, and he took good care of me. He was amazing to say the least.

After a few days of me staying with him, he asked me: "Why didn't you go back home? What happened to you?" 

"My parents kicked me out." I answered, and he asked me why. I didn't know whether or not to tell him- fear consumed me that he might be like my parents. That'd be two chances blown. "I'm... I'm uh, gay..." I muttered quietly, hanging my head.

Dan almost choked on the tea he was drinking. "Your parents kicked you out because you're gay? Seriously? And you're fifteen?" I nodded, "glad my parents aren't like that..." 

The relief I felt was nausiating. "What? Are you...?" Dan nodded with amusement on his face. "How old are you?" 

"Sixteen," Dan said, "What did your parents exactly say?" 

I explained what had happened, how my dad had literally thrown me out and about the bullies at school, down to the countless days I'd spent without meals.

"Bloody Hell. Your dad sounds like a right arsehole. I'm sorry about all that." 

"It's alright, I hate them, anyway."

 

So you can see why I'm annoyed at the fact they're stood at the foot of my bed.


	6. S i x

"He only told them because they're your parents, you know?" The familiar voice doesn't phase the anger and anxiety that rises. His words usually hold the power to calm anyone,  but the effect currently proves to fail. Dan isn't in the room, and all I can do is stand and stare daggers at the two people I had to call my parents. "He only did it because they care about you. They deserve to know."

Dan is the only person I've ever told about what happened, and I'd hoped to keep it a secret. It doesn't surprise me that Will thinks this.

"You don't understand, Will," I reply, feeling the anger curse through my veins and work it's way around my body, "They shouldn't be here. Dan, out of everyone, should know that." They shouldn't be here whatsoever- they never cared about me when I was starving in the middle of the street, crying and begging just for a meal with bruises covering me. They shouldn't care now.

"Kyle I'm sure it's fine. They probably just want to make sure you're-" Will places his hand on my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me, but it only makes me more annoyed.

" _Dead."_ I snap at the bassist through gritted teeth. "The only reason they'd want to be here is to make sure I was dead, or something like that. You don't understand what they did, Will. The pain they put me through. I spent so many nights on the streets, even in the middle of Winter, freezing my ass off and trying to get food when I was a damn teenager because in their mind I'm a fucking  _faggot."_ I let the words spill from my mouth like a waterfall, drowning Will in the truth. I watch them through the window through my tearful eyes, my throat burning with anger. My dad puts his hand on my forehead, saying something to my mum. He then moves it up, through my hair. I can feel his touch- but it's not soft, warm, and comforting like Dans. It's burning me like Hell's fire. "Dan! Dan, what have you done?" I yell at my completely oblivious boyfriend as he rounds the corner. His grey hoodie covers his head, some of his hair poking out the top of it. He looks exhausted, deep, dark bags surrounding his puffy eyes add an extra ten years to his appearance.

Will seems to be slightly taken back as to what I've just said, and I don't blame him. After all this time he'd never known, but I was good at hiding from the past. He steps backwards slightly and mutters an apology. Dan continues unphased to my room, staring at the floor with his hands in his pockets. Once he reaches the door, he opens it and walks through. I manage to slip in behind him.

"Oh- er... Hi?" Dan stutters as he enters the room. He takes the hood down from his head, releasing his wild, unkempt hair, and he frowns at the two. His eyes remain stone cold once he clicks on to who they are.

"We're Kyle's parents," they tell Dan, despite the fact he is already aware of this, "and you are..." 

They look aged since the last time I'd seen them. My mother's once brown hair is now speckled with silver, and her skin has gathered more wrinkles. My father has maintained the same moustache he has done for the majority of his life. Part of me wonders if they somehow feel guilty for their actions all those years ago, but I just look into their eyes, trying to read them. They're old eyes, there's no warmth, no love, no wisdom they usually have. They lack it all but appear to be overwhelmed with ice. 

"Dan." Dan's reply is sharp and snappy. "I'm the bloke your son's being staying with for the past twelve, thirteen years, since, oh you know, you kicked him out and left him on the streets in the run-up to Winter. I just wanted to message you, you know, to tell you. Just in case you decided to start caring." 

I mentally high-five Dan, a wicked grin spreading across my face, though it doesn't phase the anxiety at all.

"We had a reason to do it, you know?" My mum frowns at Dan's response, her calm, old voice carrying no effect. Dan just rolls his eyes. "You do know, don't you? He's..."

"A faggot." Dad steps in, his voice tells Dan. It's gruff, far worse than the last time I heard. I suppose he didn't pack up drinking or smoking forty a day... "A freak." 

"Kyle is lying on the verge of death right in front of your very eyes, yet you still sit there and spit out insults at him?" I've never heard Dan sound so angry before. "Yeah, I do know he's a  _faggot,_ because it's our three year anniversary next week, and your  _freak_ is the best damn thing to ever happen to me." 

If my parents were here to provide some support for me, or even wish me well, I can tell it's fallen out of the picture now. I know it was my mum who made him come. Dad was always the  _be a man_ sort of dad, but Mum cared. She was crying because she knew what was about to happen to me. 

"That kid is not our son." My dad hisses at Dan. I can see the fire burning in his eyes from the sudden outburst from Dan. "You know, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't speak to us like that." He balls up Dan's shirt in his fist, pushing him up against the wall like he did all those years prior to me. 

"Honey, leave him alone! He hasn't done anything! He's only telling the truth!" Mum tries to tell Dad, but he doesn't listen. My heart is hammering in my chest, fear making the hairs on the back of my neck prick up. I glance to the heart monitor realising it's picking up on my increased heart rate.

I don't know what to do. I'm so torn because I  _know_ I can't do anything if I try.

"Well don't talk about Kyle like that then! He's not some fucking freak, for God's sake, it's twenty-sixteen!" Dan spits back, pushing my dad away from him. "Get off of me!" 

Everyone's heads turn towards my body, and I'm confused as to why. My vision is getting blurry and I can't hear them anymore. My mouth tastes of iron and the room smells of metal.

Then I was gone.

 


	7. S e v e n

An insanely bright a light greets me as I come back into consciousness- well, semi-consciousness I suppose. It blinds me and I can't see anything. Everything feels muffled and slow, and all I can smell is metal once more...

As my vision comes back to me, and I realise I'm not dead, I notice the table sat just a few feet away with doctors and nurses crowded around it, moving quickly around my body, which lies on the table. My heart just flat-lined, and I fell once more into the darkness that consumed me. They speak in hushed tones, as they concentrate, working as fast as they can and finding the solution to whatever is causing the problem in the first place. I can't feel anything, though, and I'm concerned I may not pull through this.

The surgeon is the first to speak, and though his voice is very muffled, I can still make out what he says. "First clot cleared," he says to his colleagues clearly, moving up the table and to another part of my body. Clot? Why is there a clot?

"Come on, Man, you can do this. We know you can pull through." A nurse whispers quietly to me as she sits by the table, rubbing my temples subconsciously. Her eyes are focused on the screen across the room which allows her to keep track of my heart rate, pulse, breathing, and blood pressure. She also has the ability to adjust the amount of fluids that go into my body through various drips that hang around the long table. I walk closer to the crowd, noting the increased amount of tubes and wires that cover me. The spot the surgeon was previously at is now being cleaned and stitched up by another doctor. How many clots are there?!

Fear drowns my mind- I'm beyond terrified. There's been too many stories in the news and on the internet where blood clots have left people with lasting brain damage- or, worse case scenario, some people die from them. Look where I got to the last time I got scared.

 

It to them a while to finish the clot removal. It took about another hour or two, depending on how long I'd been in there prior to be 'waking up'. Fair enough, it was shorter than most surgeries, but when you can watch and have to wait for everyone to be finished, it gets a little boring, and long. Even when there's your life is at risk there's still nothing to occupy yourself... Although it is interesting, and kind of cool, that I'm probably one of the only people who have seen the inside of their own body when they're having surgery.

 

I was returned back to the ICU with around the clock supervision and care, which means every hour on the hour, a doctor, or a nurse would come and make sure everything about me was okay and that I was still stable. It also meant that someone was on hand if things took a turn for the worse.

Dan was an absolute mess when he was allowed back into the unit. His thin, bony hands are pale and shaking, his hair crazier than normal, this time flatted. He looks so strange, and the dark bags that surround his bloodshot, puffy red eyes show how exhausted he is. He doesn't even bother to take a seat but instead stands by my bed as he sniffles, holding and kissing my hand desperately.

"I almost lost you, Kyle," he whimpers, tears pooling in his already glossed over eyes. "Y-your heart stopped beating, and s-stopped p-pumping the blood around y-your body, so i-it clogged," he stutters out almost as though I'm awake, despite the fact he doesn't even know if I can hear him- but I can. He gives himself a minute to calm down his hitching breath and ragged breathing. A moment ticks past before he takes a deep breath. "They took your parents into questioning. They think it's the reason your he- you know... A-and because they threatened me. I guess it's my fault for calling them in the first place- I'm sorry, Kyle." Dan laughs, though it's like his voice- raspy, cracking every so often. "Uh- good news on Will, I thought you'll like to know. He's much better- I mean, he still won't be able to walk, but he's improving." So the words I said to Will were taken into account then. A smile appears on my face. "If he continues like this, he'll live. So that's... There's no way to put it, Kyle, it's just  _amazing."_

Dan kisses my unresponsive lips, putting his hand on my forehead. "I love you Kyle, I really do. I love you so, so much, far more than I can ever tell you in words. You're my anchor. Just promise me one thing, okay, Kyle? You've got to stay with me, okay? Just stay with me."


	8. E i g h t

Woody instructed Dan to go home, to have a shower, to eat a proper meal, and get a good night's rest. He'd driven him back home in his car, promising to update him if anything happened. Woody hadn't been able to see me or Will on his own, and I suppose he wanted to... I just never expected him to break down in floods of tears.

I mean- Woody's a strong bloke. You and I both know that. He's a drummer, for Christ's sake, of course he's strong. He's Woody, the one and I only! But... I don't know, I suppose I'd just never seen him nor expected to see him like this. I'd never seen such a strong bloke be so small.

Obviously, I know Dan's weak spots. After all, we have been in a relationship for three years ( _Marley & Me _is a big one, FYI), and I know a few of  Will's, like his emo tattoo... I guess I figure Woody didn't have any.

"We miss you, Kyle." He tells me as he walks into the room and takes a seat on the crappy plastic chair that Dan once sat in. "God, Kyle, Dan's in a state and a half, man, you really should see him. He's about as rough as they come." He informs me despite the fact I already know. I wish there was a way that I could tell him that I can hear him, and I can see him.  "He really, really misses you. I've never seen him in such a state. We all miss you, though. I do, the fans do... Everyone." 

He runs his hand over his face, shutting his eyes which have glossed with tears. "This is so unfair." He buries his face for a moment in his arms, giving himself some time and space. He wipes away stray tears falling down his face. "This is so fucking unfair! You haven't done anything to ever hurt anyone and neither has Will! Look at you, you've got the mentality of a five-year-old girl! Yet now we don't even know if you're ever going to wake up. Will's never going to be able to walk again, you're going to be scarred for the rest of your life... It's so fucking unfair!" 

 

The first time I'd ever heard of Woody was at Dan's house since I was living there. He, being the amazing drummer he is, posted leaflets around a couple of London based houses so he could earn a bit of pocket money.

One came through the door after being posted through the letter box. I was in bed, lying around lazily since it was a Sunday, and Dan padded down the stairs to go and get it. It's not like we really had anywhere to go that day.

"Ky! Look at this!" Dan shouted up the stairs, using the nickname I hated so much. His footsteps echoed shortly after as he bounced up the stairs, and jumped straight back onto the b ed. 

"Scared of the under the bed monster?" I joked, lifting my head as he handed me the leaflet.

"Shurrup," he laughed in response. I glanced over the leaflet, looking at the information it gives you. It has his name and tells you that he's available Saturdays, and has a number to contact. "I thought I could give him a ring, you know, ask if he has any students that might be willing to join the band. I mean- he's probably some old guy anyway so he must have a few students." 

"If you think it's worth a try, then it probably is," I handed the leaflet back to him. "He can't have  _that_ many students if he's handing leaflets out, though." 

"Who knows? We might get a drummer out of this!"

 

So we decided to meet up with him, and honestly, he was far, far different from what Dan and I had imagined him to be, but there he was. We expected some old, bald, fat guy, but instead we got a young lad who's hair challenged most others. We didn't even think it was him when we walked in.

"I don't even know what he looks like!" Dan had whined in embarrassment, pleading for the ground to swallow him whole. "This is ridiculous! Can't we just tell him one of us was ill or something? He probably doesn't even have any students anyway. It's not even worth it, let's go back home. Dan turned to the exit, ready to leave, but I grabbed him and turned him back around.

"Nope, we got out of bed this morning for a reason, so we will find him," I told him, looking with ease at the people in the pub. To say I was easily one of the tallest people in there, I had no trouble looking to each individual. In the corner of the pub sat in a booth was a long haired bloke with a pint in front of him, sat alone. "I think that's him." 

"Why do you think that's him?" 

"Who comes to the pub alone and sits there on their phone for the most part? Most people just find someone to talk to." 

Dan grumbled as I dragged him over there, but since he was the one to make the call I made him speak first. "Hey, are you, er, Chris?"

"Well, Woody, but yeah, whatever." Woody smiled up at us, gesturing us into the seat to sit with him.

And thus; Bastille was almost complete. Although we didn't quite have a name at the time. (Dan and The Smiths...)


	9. N i n e

Woody has gone home now. His sudden outburst of wet anger had shocked me- but I have no idea what I could have done in order to comfort him. He wouldn't have been able to feel me hug him, anyway. Before he left he went to see Will, but I stayed in my room, trying to get my head around everything that is happening.

Dan takes the spot that Woody had previously occupied, fiddling with the ring that the hospital staff had taken off of me when I first came in, along with the rest of my rings and my stuff. He spun it between his fingers, gazing down at it with sorrow in his eyes. When a nurse walks into the room.

"Hello, Hon." She smiles to Dan, who gives her the same reaction back. She checks the monitors by my bed to make sure that everything is okay. Her hazel eyes assess everything and make sure everything is right. She reminds me slightly of a girl at school- her hazel eyes and brown hair, but she's not near as nasty. When my secret got spread around school, she decided to explode it up like a bonfire. I've never forgiven her. The nurse is not  _my_ nurse, but she talks to Dan regardless. Then again, I suppose it'll be awkward if she didn't. I can't help but wonder where my actual nurse is.

The nurse waits a beat before she speaks again, "I'm really sorry about this," she explains with a heavy heart. "It must be really tough on you. It's difficult to even watch it." 

Dan nods, his voice still raspy and hoarse as he gives his reply. "It's killing me." He mumbles with his eyes cast downwards.

"Hey, listen. Don't think for a minute that he cannot hear you. Trust me, he can. He can hear everything. He can hear this conversation. In fact, I can almost bet that he's aware of everything gong on around here." Dan stares at her, lapping up the information she has given to him. "I bet you think that it's the doctors and nurses that run the show here, huh? No, it's him- he's running the show, making the choices. Maybe he's taking his time and trying to wrap his head around the circumstances. It's a lot to take in, you know that first hand. Maybe just isn't ready. You're talking to him, which is just what he needs right now- someone who loves him and cares for him to talk to him." 

 

Dan has always been exactly what I need. When you're in dire need, kicked out and onto the cold, harsh streets of London in the run up to Winter and a star like Dan comes alone, willing to help, to feed me, to give me a place to stay, it's like God has answered all your prayers. As I stayed longer with him, we grew closer. I found myself depending on him more- he always introduced me, which is the opposite to how it is now. I suppose the bullying had made me feel isolated from everybody else, and cautious of the public I was introduced to.

But then I was able to get a part time job after I sat my GCSE's, which I did okay in. I got 5 B-C's and a few A's and B's, so with my wages, I began to help him out. I'd give him money for food, and stuff like that. I just paid him back for all the time he helped me.

"If you want... I can, uh... Find my own place..." I suggested to Dan one evening as we lounged around on the sofa, watching some rubbish TV. We'd not long moved from his parents' house- he had turned nineteen not too long ago and wanted his own place, his own responsibility. Obviously, I tagged along with him.

"What?" He asked, turning to me with alarm and concern stricken on his face. "Why would I want you to do that?" 

"I don't know- I guess you've just helped me survive and you've taken care of me for the past four years- and that's a long time, Dan. I might be getting in the way, and I really don't want to hold you back from doing anything." I explained with a shrug. I really, really didn't want to move out- but Dan was growing up, and I felt like I was holding him down. I'd been trailing around with him for the longest time, and it must have gotten frustrating.

"Kyle. If i wanted you gone then I would have told you a long ago." Dan told me in complete confidence. "It's funny having you around, anyway. You're funny, you're smart, you're good company." A smiled warmed to his face, his eyes lighting up slightly. "And you eat the same junk food as me." 

 

Now, looking at Dan, I'm so, so glad he said what he did. I may not be lying in a coma right now, fair enough, but there's no way on Gods earth that I would have met the people that have made my life so good, nor would have experienced everything I have done. Besides, I'd probably already be dead. I've had more rough patches than a few, but Dan always hugged me, comforted me and made everything better. 

I crave his touch once more. I crave his kisses. I crave his warmth. I crave his hugs. I crave  _him._

I can't stop thinking about what the nurse said, though. How does she know what I can and cannot do? How does she know that I'm listening and know what's going on? Have others experienced the same thing?

Why are Will and I able to see each other, but others cannot?

 

"Did anybody tell the fans?" I ask Will when I next see him. He had spent the day with Lily and Liz, who had once again come to see him. I'm sure Lily is convinced Will isn't just lying there, too.

"Yeah. Woody and Dan told them on Facebook and the rest of the social media." He seems slightly cheerier than the last time we had spoken. "I think that's the only way they could get it around the whole fanbase." Yeah, something in his voice is more uplifted. Maybe it's just seeing Liz and Lily again- I suppose the grey clouds hanging over him were beginning to clear. "Hey, erm, about the other day," his tones drops as he speaks again, remorse in his voice, "I'm sorry for giving up so easily. It was pretty cowardly of me." 

"Nah, it's fine. If I was in that position, I have no idea what I'd do. It's not bloody fair." A thought pops into my head, and it amuses me. "You know, normal people after these near death experiences usually forgive stupid grudges of what their famly and friends have done." 

"I'm not forgiving you for breaking my double bass, Kyle."

"But it was ages ago!" 

"It cost me a grand almost! And it was pracitcally brand new!" Will crosses his arms but still lets out a laugh.

"You had it for ages..." 

"A year tops. Still don't forgive you." 

"I hope your next one breaks too, you unforgiving git."

 


	10. T e n

Three years ago today Dan and I went out on our first date. It was just a few days before he officially asked me to be his boyfriend. It was completely accidental, funnily enough. It sounds weird, but it just happened. That evening held our first date and our first kiss. It was simply magical, and I would do anything to relive it again. Feeling his lips on mine for the first time was a completely different feeling. Though, over time, our kisses never lost their fireworks.

It was an Autumn evening in London, the sun setting peacefully over the central city buildings and the iconic river Thames. Most of the trees had lost or were losing their orange leaves, which lay in abundance over the pavement and greenery. The suspected snow had not yet fallen, yet the cold still nipped our skin, which we were attempting to cover in about as much clothing as possible- coats, scarves, gloves, hats- whatever would could find in such extreme cold. Well, at least not when you're a Londoner, anyway. Both of us had recently been paid, mine wasn't much but it was enough. I was still looking for a proper job. We'd decided to go out for pizza then just head home, but the evening sunset was far too pretty to abandon just yet.

We were walking by the iconic river that runs through the heart of London, and several times I glimpsed over the black barrier than separates us from the freezing water alone.

"It's pretty, huh?" I spoke my thoughts aloud, talking to nobody and everybody who listened. Dan just nodded, his beautiful blue eyes reflecting the pinks, oranges, and blues of the retreating sun, no words escaping his melody making lips. The walkway and streets had been left for the night, too many finding the cold far too uncomfortable to go out in. I don't blame them- had a large pepperoni pizza not sounded so irresistible, I would have been tucked up in bed, too.

The London eye sat proudly on the river bank, currently showing no tourists the highlights of the capital. It was stupid that no one was on it, sights like this that hang over the city are amazing. "Should we go on it? It'd be cool to see the city... Like this, I mean." Dan finally tore his eyes from the amazing scenery that lay just ahead of us.

The view was nothing less than amazing. The iconic buildings of Central London, like the Shard, The Gherkin, The Cheese Grater had fallen into the shadows and became just blocks of grey in contrast to the bright, calming colours of the sky. It was simply breathtaking.

"I-I've been meaning to... Um..." Dan mumbles, supporting himself on the metal bar in front of the glass casing. I turned to him to give him my full attention, to show him I was listening. "I've been meaning to tell you something for...For a while... You know what- leave it, it doesn't matter. It's nothing." 

"No, what were you going to say?" I tried to urge him to speak though the look of nervousness on his face suggested he would rather not.

"It doesn't matter. It's just th-this stupid thought that I can't get out of my head. Honestly, it doesn't matter. Leave it, please." He requested.

"So you're not going to tell me then?" I asked Dan and watched as he shook his head. "Show me then." 

And then I felt the best possible thing in the enitre world. His lips were soft, his actions gentle. His hands awkwardly gripped my hips as he found nowhere else to put them. Mine eventually found their way to his upper back, cradling his shoulder blades. It's the most amazing thing anyone could ever feel. It's the best thing I've ever felt.

 

Will sits with his chin resting on his hand, the other hanging off of his knee. He bares a slight resemblance to the Thinking Man, and, ironically, looked deep in thought. His eyes blink in a haze every so often.

"I feel weird." He tells me after I ask if he is okay. He doesn't look any different from any other time we have spoken over the previous few days. I frown.

"Good weird, or bad weird?" 

"I don't know... I just don't fell right. It's difficult to explain- I don't like it." He sits up properly, worry etching onto his face. "Do you think there's something wrong?" 

"Hope not..." I shrug, "Hey, you know how they say to, like, fight it?" I ask curiously, and Will nods. "Fight what? How do you fight it? What to we have to do?" 

"I'm not sure, Kyle. I suppose you just have to try anything and everything until something works." Will answers. A silence falls over us until he speaks again, but now there is fear knitted in his words. "Kyle?! Kyle, look!" He grabs my shoulder, making me look over at him. He holds up his hand, showing me his fingers that are slowly beginning to disappear. "Kyle! What's happening?" 

"Will! What the Hell?" I shout back, watching as more and more of him fades away. His upbeat attitude begins to fade away, replaced by pure fear. "Will!" 

"Help me! What's happening, Kyle?" 

"I don't know, just stop!" 

"I can't bloody stop!" His whole hand has disappeared now, and it's moving gradually down his arm.

Our flurry of panic increased, getting bigger and bigger by the second, both of us screaming at each other as he slowly fades away.

And then Will was gone.

 

 

 


	11. E l e v e n

I sprint as fast as my legs can take me all the way to Will's room, praying that all the doors are open. My legs move faster than they have ever done before, my mind running mental.  _Please don't let him be gone. Please don't let him be gone._ I beg mentally, praying I haven't lost him. He had just disappeared without a trace- vanished from thin air.

But I'm so, so glad he did.

His hand moves up to his head, sleepily rubbing his face. His grey eyes blink as they adjust to the sudden light in the room, and to his sudden consciousness. Relief flushes through me.

He's awake. He's finally, finally awake...

"Daddy!" Liz calls, pulling from Lily and escaping from her grasp, who turns around to see what the young girl is talking about. Liz runs over to the bed and scampers up the side, but cautious of the wires. She wraps her small arms around her father's neck without a care in the world. A grin  spreads across her small yet adorable face. 

Will wraps his much larger arms around Liz's much smaller body, holding her as close as he possibly can, as though she is his life line. Lily slowly joins them, her eyes glazed with tears, mirroring Will's. He reaches to hug her, too, hugging both of them tightly. I suppose he'd missed their contact as much as I have Dan's.

"You're... You're awake, Will..." Lily whispers, holding Will's face between her very soft hands, kissing his lips. "I... Oh my God, Will, I thought I lost you. You scared me so much, never do that again," she whispers to him, kissing him for a second time. A mixture of feelings overtakes my body, welling up like a volcano inside of me. Tears of happiness fill my eyes- we haven't lost him. He is there. He is awake. He is breathing. I can hardly contain my excitement for him.

"Daddy!" Liz scolds her father, crossing her arms to show her annoyance. "You've been asleep forever! You even missed my school picnic!" 

"I'm sorry, Love." Will's voice is raspy, coated with sleep and exhaustion. He kisses Liz's forehead, who giggles from Will's beard and then he moves to kiss Lily, still holding them both. "I'm really sorry. But I'm here now." A moment of silence passes, an emotional family moment, but then- "Where's Kyle?!"

 


	12. T w e l v e

When Will first introduced us to Elizabeth, she was so, so shy. It was about two months after Will agreed to join the band, and when most of the practicing was done in the cellar of mine and Dan's house. Will was, obviously, very protective over her. This was a while before he met Lily, so she was the most important person in his life. Well, she still is even with Lily here, but he puts the two of them before anything and anyone, including himself.

She walked into the room with her small hand holding onto Will's much larger one. His parents would usually agree to watch her, but for some reason or another on this day they couldn't, and there were no available babysitters due to the such short notice, so he had to bring her- not that we minded at all. It was cute, and funny, having her around. She was adorable.

She was small, though- really, really small, standing just a few inches shorter than Will's knees, which she hid comfortably behind. It kind of shocked me how the two of them were so similar- I know that they're obviously father and daughter, but I didn't look like either of my parents. They had the same hair colour, the same shade of brown, and their eyes were the same calming grey. To say the least, she was beautiful. Her brown hair was naturally curly and hung in masses around her face, her fringe clipped back with a sparkly green hair clip. The image of Will doing her hair was funny, yet adorable.

It sparked thoughts of me and Dan having children- well, not having them, but adopting or fostering them. He'd be such a good father. I'd probably be just as big as a kid as they would be- but it'd be so cool. I'd be a much better parent than mine ever were.

"Come on, Liz, you're never usually this shy," Will said to his mini twin in a calm voice, trying to step to the side to get her to show herself. "These guys are my friends." 

Liz was having absolutely none of it. She followed suit and shook her head, which made us all laugh and smile warmly at her. I had no doubt this would be terrifying for her- Will and Woody are the shortest, and even they're tall compared to most people, so Dan and I are giants, especially to kids. Liz is tiny, too, so I'm not surprised. 

"We don't bite," Woody laughed, bending down to her level, but the small girl hides herself further, protecting herself from us. "Nope?" 

"Nope." Will chuckled, taking the bag off of his back. "Do you wanna colour?" He offered to his daughter, doing an half turn so he could see her properly. She gazed up to him and nodded. "Come on, then. Let's sit over here." He lead her over to a small table with a few chairs around it that Dan and I had put down there for when we weren't playing. They hadn't come in handy before now. As Will sorted out Elizabeth (Coming prepared with a colouring book and a bunch of colouring pencils), we set up the instruments.

About half an hour or so later, a few songs in at least, I'd turned by back to do something or another- probably have a drink, but I felt something grab onto my leg. I tried my best not to automatically kick my leg out, but I looked down to see a tiny pair of hands clutching it. I tried to look behind me even more only to see Liz's masses of curly hair. I'd no idea what to do, and guessed it would be best for the father to take control. 

"Uh- Um... William..." I called quietly, looking over to him. He was looking down at the strings of his bass guitar with concentration. "Will-" He finally looked up, and I gestured to the little person who had taken refuge on my leg. He looked down at her, smiled, and laughed.

"Have you made a new friend there, Elizabeth?" He asked her, a warm smile upon his face. I felt Liz nod against my leg, her small arms still holding onto me.

"What do I do?" I mouthed to Will, unsure of how to move now. He just shrugged- wonderful. "So helpful! She's  _your_ daughter!" 

"I just walk around with her stuck there. She's like a little monkey." He laughed in response, but I dared to move until I had to.

And she still didn't move.

That's the story of how I had a toddler hanging onto my leg all day.

 


	13. T h i r t e e n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayy welcome back Willy

Night soon falls over the  country and sends the bustling city to sleep. The snow that still lies on the ground reflects the light, making the clouded sky much brighter. Though they have put me in this situation, the lights of the cars driving up and down the nearby motorway just a few miles away is almost mesmerising- beautiful.

Since Will has rejoined the world of the conscious loads of people have been to see him. It's against the wishes of the doctors and nurses, but everyone is simply overjoyed to see him alive and awake, especially since he, like myself, was hanging on the edge. Dan and Woody were among the first to see him, though both at separate times. The doctors informed Dan who then called Woody, and they'd both held onto Will like there was no tomorrow, and everyone cried. Will asked about me and where I was. When he found out, the others had tried their best to comfort him. He was a state, to say the least.

Dan also called Will's parents, who also came along and bombarded their son with hugs, and cried with him. They had every reason to- Hell, even I sat there sobbing my heart out. Either from the relief that Will survived or from the fear of being alone.

The doctors increased his doses of tablets and pain killers in the hopes of making him feel more comfortable in his broken state. I think there's more to it, though. I reckon it's to knock him out for a bit so he can get more sleep. The black bags hanging under his eyes add to his age, and deny the fact he's been sleeping at all.

Honestly, the thought of being alone has always been one to terrify me. No one to talk to, no one to listen to, no one to touch, no one to acknowledge you even exist... And yet here I am. I'm completely alone in a world of isolation- no more than a ghost.

 

I find myself drifting off to sleep as the clock hits two in the morning. Pretty much everyone at the hospital apart from the staff are asleep. Will had told Dan earlier to go home and get some sleep, so the halls are peaceful and dozy under the artificial light.

Will was lying in his bed, seemingly asleep upon first glance to anyone else. Although if you look closer, you'll notice his eyes moving rapidly beneath his eyelids and his breathing hitching and jolting every so often.

I loll around pointlessly in the room with him, sitting opposite to him against the wall. There is nothing to do or anyone to communicate with, and I find myself growing increasingly frustrated and bored.

With a few sudden grumbles, a muffled sob escapes from Will and his eyes shoot open. His weak and raspy voice repeats my name over and over in hushed tones.

I shoot my head up, looking over towards him in panic. " _Kyle...."_ He whispers again, running his hand through his brown, sweat-soaked hair. He rubs his eyes with the palm of his hands.

"Will?" I call in some sort of pathetic failure of an attempt to comfort my friend, despite the fact he has no idea I'm in here with him.

Will manages to position himself so he's sitting up, but he's staring right at me, making direct eye contact. I stay silent, trying to work out if he's staring at me or through me. "Kyle?" His voice is low, eyes clouded with confusion. "You woke up? I-I thought you were... How are you..." He trails off, a rabble of questions leaving his mouth before he gives his brain a chance to process anything.

I stare back at him as confusion erupts inside of me. "You- you can see me?" I mutter quietly, mirroring Will's tone. "How?" 

"Why would I not be able to see you?" His eyebrows furrow together in confusion, and I can't help but feel a little bit stick just out of confusion and worry. He gestures to the direction of my room. "I thought you were in there? When did you wake up? Nobody said anything." 

"I haven't woken up, Will... How can you see me? Nobody else can..."

"What are you talking about?" 

"Nobody else can see me- you know this, Will! Don't you remember? You were like this, too! Nobody could see either of us. Come on, you've got to remember." 

Will continues to sit in silence with confusion plastering his face. I wonder how he can't remember? My hand runs through my hair, pushing it back and out of my face. "Nobody else could see us! Just me and you, Will, we could only see each other. But now... You can still see me... How?" 

"I don't know..." Will mumbles as a nurse walks into the room, looking as tired as Will.

"sir, who are you talking to? Visiting hours ended a while ago," his voice is soft as he speaks, eyebrows knitted together in worry. Will looks between the nurse and I.

"Kyle." He points to me, making the nurse look at me, though there is no sign of recognition on his face.

"Sir there's nobody there," the nurse calmly explains, thinking for a moment about who Will is talking about. His face flashes with recognition not a second later as he remembers who I am. 

"He's sat there." Will insists, still gesturing to me.

"Sir, there's nobody sat there. Kyle is still in his room, in the ICU. He's still comatose- I'm sorry to tell you, but-" 

 _"No he's not!"_ Will's voice grows louder in fustration, "He's sat right there! How could you not see him? Kyle, tell him!  Tell him I'm not crazy,  _please."_ He looks helplessly towards me, and I can't help but note the confusion, concern, and upset in his eyes.

My heart breaks as I watch him like this. I know no one else can see me, but Will doesn't understand, and now he's trying to make out there's some invisible person talking with him...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever had Bastille related dreams? They're the best. Until you, oh, you know, KILL DAN! D:


	14. F o u r t e e n

_**Happy new year everybody! Hope you've had a great holiday and an amazing new year, and let's all hope for a wonderful 2017! x** _

 

* * *

 

"Mate, you look rough," Dan tells Will accompanied with a little chuckle as he sits by the bearded man's bed. The singer looks a lot better himself, the bags that once hung under his eyes and added to his age have now began to disappear, and he's eating properly now. He looks a lot healthier overall than he has done this whole time. The weight that hung on his shoulders and clouded him over with pessimism and depression has now passed over, though it appears the unshakeable weight has gone straight over to Will.

Woody continues and goes along with the joke, laughing with the pair. "Yeah, to say you've been sleeping this whole time." True; Will has been sleeping off his painkillers a lot, so he's been asleep pretty much all the time. Will nods with them, laughing but not saying any words.

"Hey, erm, Will? What happened last night?" Dan asks Will, not hoping to upset him. He tiptoes around the subject, but we all know what's coming. "The doctors were talking about it." 

Will brushes it off with a wave of his hand, feeling slightly self-conscious. No one would believe him, anyway, so what's the point? 

"Nothing." He answers, looking to his lap and fiddling with his hands that are horribly bruised and scratched. "It doesn't matter." 

Dan glances to a frowning Woody, who speaks. "You know you can tell us, right? We're your best friends, after all." He presses on in the hopes to get something out of Will. Some peace of mind for the boys would be great.

"I know..." Will sighs and looks hopelessly around the room and to the two men like he had done to the doctor and myself. "I can see him, though. That's what it is." 

"What do you mean?" Dan's voice is soft, a pang of guilt hitting him as he looks at the man who appears to be ashamed of himself. "You can see who?" 

"Kyle. I can see him." 

Dan's eyebrows furrow in confusion, "Like, when you're asleep?" 

Will shakes his head. "No, Dan. I mean I can see him. Like, right now, just like I can see you, or Woody, or anyone else. He's sat right there." He points to the spot where I sit. I shake my head at him- he shouldn't have told them. How on earth can this end well? "A-and when I tried to explain it to the doctor he looked at me like I was crazy. I-I'm not, right? I can see him, right there. The only difference is is that you guys can't see him." 

Woody and Dan look at each other, unsure of what to say as a response. The whole situation feels slightly awkward and uncomfortable. 

"I-uh..." Woody mumbles, finding himself at a complete loss for words. "Are you sure you can see him? And it's definitely not your mind playing tricks on you?" 

"I wouldn't lie about this, Woody. He's sat right there- I can see him and he can see me and you and Dan." 

"Tell Dan I love him, please," I say quietly- I just want him to know. Just in case.

"He loves you, Dan. He really does." Will tells Dan. "He's just told me." He tries to smile at Dan and Woody, but neither of them smiles back. Once more, neither of them know what to do nor what to say. 

"Seriously?" Woody finally asks Will, "Listen, I'd never accuse you of doing so, but you can't joke around about this right now. Are you serious, swear on your life and all?" 

Will nods, "Cross my heart, hope to die." He says confidently before he pauses, a flash of panic appearing on his face. "But- I'm not crazy, right, guys? I'm not crazy?" 

Both of the men fall quiet, sending the atmosphere into a thick tension.

"No- no, of course not. I mean, we can't see him, but... Uh...." Dan fiddles with his fingers, one of which holds one of my rings. 

 

From that point onwards the day felt pretty awkward. Nobody really spoke much after that, silence filling the room and hardly ever leaving.

Woody went home to Chrissy after wishing both me and Will well, and Dan has since left the room, telling Will he's coming to see me. I slipped out behind him, offering Will a sympathetic smile. ("He was sat right there..." Will muttered as the door clicked shut).

"Kyle, he thinks he can see you," Dan tells me as he grabs my hand, tightly holding it. "I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't know if he can see you or not, and who am I to say if he's telling the truth or lying? But- it's Will. He wouldn't joke around right now." Dan sighs, kissing my forehead. I miss his touch.  "It's kind of cool, though. If he can see you. I wish I could see you- not...not like this, I guess. But I mean, if you can hear me- you probably can't, but that's fine, and I probably sound like a right weirdo, and now I'm rambling- anyway. Please come back soon. Please? I really, really miss you. I just want my Kyle back..." 

 

"I thought you'd be asleep." I tell Will as I stride into his room. Someone has left the door wide open, and Will is just lying there, reading a book Lily brought here for him a few days ago. "You should be, though- with all the meds and stuff, right?" 

"Uh... Yeah, sure..." He says, though his convincing skills are lacking. I stare at him. "What?" 

"You look as though you haven't slept in days, William." I assess him more, taking in his scruffy and scraggly appearance. "You haven't been sleeping at all, have you?" 

Will frowns, "Yeah, of course I have." 

_"Will."_

_"Kyle."_ He says back, putting the book down with a folded corner, an annoying habit of his (don't ever let him borrow your books, they will come back with 50+ folds in them. Dan found out the hard way). "I have!" 

"No, you clearly haven't, Will." I shake my head at him, "Look at yourself, you're utterly exhausted but you won't admit it. You're a mess, you have deep bags under your eyes and you're as pale as a ghost." 

"I'm just British." He replies, trying to make a joke out of it.

"Oh, ha-ha, Will. Stop joking around! I'm serious. Why aren't you sleeping? You'll never get better if you don't sleep. You should know that, man." 

Will pauses, picking the right words to say. He finally admits defeat. "Because I can't, Kyle." 

"Well, why not?" 

Tears for in the bassist's warm, grey eyes, and he just shakes his head. "Because every time I fall asleep or I close my eyes, all I can feel is the car as it slips on the ice. All I can feel is all the control just being torn away from me- and I can see your face, your terrified face. You looked so scared and I couldn't do anything about it. I had to sit there and watch you almost die, knowing it's all my fault and not being able to do anything about it- I can't even move." He bites his lips as he pauses ago, a stray tear escaping down his face. "Sometimes, Kyle, sometimes it's more than that. Sometimes I see you die. I feel your heart stop beating and I hear you take your final breath, and then you're just gone. I can hear Dan telling me he hates me because you're dead and it's my fault, and then Woody hates me because the band splits up. Sometimes I see you die, and the light fades out your eyes and watch as everything- all your hopes, dreams, ambitions, memories, thoughts, fears, passions slip from your grasp for the world to forget about- but you deserve to be so much more than a forgotten memory. Sometimes I'm awake in my dream, and I'm fine, and the doctor tells me you didn't make it and it's my fault, and everyone hates me. They all tell me it's my fault, and the worse part of it is that they're right. It is my fault. You almost died because of me, and I'll never, ever forgive myself for it." 

 


	15. F i f t e e n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter already!

"Mr Smith, Mr and Mrs Wood..." The doctor speaks with words that are knitted together neatly with caution. She tests the water with the individuals sat before her, trying to find the best way to approach the subject. Woody, Chrissy, and Dan look at the doctor with a mixture of worry, dread, and excitement- just in case it's good news. They sit in his office which is messy yet organised. The doctor looks formal as she sits, nervous though bursting with pride and confidence. "I attended a meeting this morning with myself, a few of Mr Farquarson's nurses and a few mental health experts." The doctor glances down at her notes which are held in order by a clipboard. She looks very organised with even her pencils organised by colour. "We believe that Mr Farquarson is showing strong signs of schizophrenia, which is when people and see, or-slash-and hear things that aren't actually there. I'm sure you're aware as to why we believe this with his, uh, 'talking' to Mr Simmons. This is quite the cause for concern." 

Beneath her hand, Chrissy can feel Woody begin to tense. She slowly rubs his arm in an attempt to calm him, but when this fails she simply laces their hands together, something I long to do with Dan.

"What're you saying?" He almost demands to the doctor, his face highlighting his confusion. "Are you trying to say he's crazy?" 

"Not at all, Mr Wood. People with schizophrenia are  _not_ crazy, but you have to understand that there is not possible way that he can be speaking to Mr Simmons. I'm sure you've seen him talk to what appears to us as a brick wall or an empty space..." She tries her best to explain the situation to the agitated drummer. "These are very, very strong symptoms, Mr Wood." 

"But what if it's not actually impossible?" The attention in the room is snatched by Dan's suggestion, making the three others turn to him. "I mean, I know it sounds stupid, and you probably think it's absolutely mental, but, like, none of us there have been in a coma, and I doubt you have," the doctor just shakes her head, "So how could we know? What if he can see Kyle, and he's not actually just lying there? What if he's awake and walking around with us right now? Just... Not really, I don't know, _here._ It sounds weird, but can't we just look at the what if's?" 

The doctor gives herself a minute to comprehend what Dan has said. Silently, I cheer. I can't believe Dan has actually thought about it and got it right.

"Well- the lack of evidence can't really support that- I suppose Mr Farquarson's case is just an anomaly... But there's no evidence suggesting otherwise, too..." The doctor thinks once more. "It's highly unlike, but... Well, I suppose it's plausible. We just need to carry out the tests, just to be sure."

 

 _I need to wake up. I need to wake up. I need to wake up. I need to wake up._ I repeat to myself like a song, not knowing what to do to get myself out of this place. It feels like I'm stuck in purgatory, waiting for something that may not come.

I sit next to Lily who holds Elizabeth on her lap in the waiting room. In Elizabeth's small hands she holds a teddy bear with a navy blue ribbon tied around its neck. She holds it carefully, almost like a baby.

"What're they doing to Daddy, Lily?" She asks innocently as she plays with the ribbon on the bear. Lily's arms is wrapped around her waist and Liz kicks her legs out.

"They're just making sure he's okay, Sweetie." Lily explains the best she can to an unknowing child. I suppose this is a difficult situation to be in with having to explain something so complex to a child. "Do you miss him?" 

"Yu-huh!" Liz nods and looks up to Lily, love in her large grey eyes. "When will he be able to come home?" 

"Soon, I'm sure of it, Princess. Do you miss him when he's not at home, too?" 

"Yeah! Do you think we'll be able to go to the park soon? We can go on the swingset, and Daddy can push me like he usually does, and we can go on the round about! When we get home we can have hot chocolate and Daddy can read me a bedtime story!" 


	16. S i x t e e n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow the last chapter :( I'm sad now.

It's morning now. The sun is yet to rise over the city, and the street lamps are still on. I last saw Dan when he came into my room, choking on his own sobs and struggling to speak and breath. He couldn't say anything but I was worried beyond words. Eventually, holding my cold, limp hand, he fell asleep next to the bed.

Inside the hospital, there seems to be a different sort of atmosphere, a clarity in the air. The hospital never really sleeps- the patients do, yes, but not the nurses, the lights, the machines- they all stay on. Even though it's still dark outside, things are beginning to wake up. A doctor stands at the end of my bed, scribbling down more notes. 

I don't care anymore. I'm tired of all of this, all of this waiting around and being told to fight for something when I'm not sure what to do. I'm tired of Dan being upset and not being able to do anything about it. I'm just tired- but it might be over soon. My nurse walks in once more, and it seems the night has had very little impact on her. She still looks exhausted. 

Dan left. Well, I think he has. I'm so tired, I don't even know what's going on anymore. In a strange way I just want it all to stop.

My eyes are closed, resting them and attempting to stop them from aching. I can hear him before I can see him. I hear his muffled sniffles and his raspy breaths which concern me. I smell his familiar scent that just smells like  _Dan._

He falls onto the chair besides my bed, lying more on his back than sitting normally. His face is covered with his hands as he tries to calm himself with a few deep breaths. 

His hands drop after a few minutes and he begins to speak, but his voice is rusty and hoarse. I've never heard him speak like this before. "Listen to me, Kyle." 

My eyes open lazily and I sit up to give him my attention, sat on opposite sides of the bed- him on the left, me on the right.

"They don't think you're going to make it." He tells me, swallowing the lump in his throat and the emotions building up inside of him to push forward. "There's nothing I can say to make this better. There's no words for me to say how much pain I'm feeling, how much this hurts me. I can't even begin to describe how hard it is to imagine a future without you in it- I can't be  _just Dan,_ it has to be us,  _Dan and Kyle._ You need to wake up, Kyle, and I don't mean it just for me. I mean it for everyone. For Woody, for Will, For Chrissy, for Charlie, Liz, Lly, Dick, Coop, Greg, Tom, the fans- fucking evrryon! God knows how much we're all rooting  for you. We want you back with us, Kyle, and I don't know what I'd do if you ever left me..." Tears fall down his face like a landslide and his voice is incredibly weak. All I can feel is love and guilt. "Please don't let them take you away from me, Kyle.  _Please_ don't go with them." 

He takes some more breaths to steady himself more before he digresses: "All I can think about is how far you've made it, Kyle. You survived on your own when you were just fourteen, spending weeks on the streets in the Winter in  _London._ You survived that, all the bullies at school, your dickhead of a dad- how fucked up would it be for your life to end here? I mean- I know you'll probably never be exactly the same again and everyone knows Will won't... I just can't fathom the idea of us not growing old together, you know? Getting married, adopting kids, playing more shows...

"Kyle, if you stay, I'll do everything you want. I'll never ever leave you again. If you need anything, if you want help, I'll be ther right away. I'll be there for you no matter what happens, Kyle. But even if you ever want me to go away, I'll do that... I just can't let you go, Kyle. Not today... Not ever. I love you so much I can't put it into words. You're my moon, my stars, my sun, my everything, and if you go, I'll have no light in my life." 

Then, like a volcano of emotions, he errupts, his sobs bursting like Pompeii. He loses himself.

I close my eyes and try and block everything out. I cannot watch him like this. I cannot hear him like this. I feel sick with guilt because I know this is my fault.

But it's not Dan that I can hear now. It's the song that Dan and I have decided to get married to when the time comes. He's placed his earphones into my ears so I can hear it once more. His phone is lying on my chest. The chords of the piano are like home, and it feels like I'm falling in love all over again. It's a piano cover of Bruno Mars'  _Locked Out of Heaven,_ just like when we covered it. Something inside of me feels like it's imploding.

I'm lying in bed with Dan wrapped up in my arms. His back is pressed firmly against my chest, my hands holding his as they wrap around his waist. We're naked and it's snowing outside, the duvet and each other keeping us warm.

I'm at a party. I'm drunk. Dan's hands are holding my hips, and mine hold the back of his head as we kiss; the clock striking midnight. A new year.

I'm stood in front of millions of fans at Reading festival, smiling as they sing to the words that Dan has used to create stories, and dance to the sounds we make as a band.

I'm holding a baby. Dan's hugging me, kissing me, and crying. He tells me how happy he is that we finally have a child, even if they are not biologically ours.

I'm stood opposite Dan. He's in a suit as am I. There's a man asking me if I take Dan to be my husband. I do.

I'm old, now. My hair is grey, much alike my beard that I have kept all these years. I know I'm nearing my time to depart from this world, and I know it's the right time now, not all those years ago in the crash. I welcome it like an old friend, excited to see my husband again.

The keys continue to play and it feels like the melodies are being poured into my body, the same was that the drip is giving me the drugs I need. The memories of all my life was and all my life will be are coming to me so quickly I can hardly keep up with them. They keep coming and everything seems to be colliding until I can't take it anymore. I can't be like this one moment longer...

Pain tears through my body for a sickening moment where I'm convinced this is the end, a scream comes from me that nobody can hear. A light blinds me.

But then I can't sense Dan's had in mine anymore... No, I can feel it now. I'm no longer hunched across from Dan but I'm lying on my back in the uncomfortable hospital bed. Once again I am in my own body.

Dan is still crying, and somewhere deep inside of me, I am crying, too. I'm beginning to feel things that isn't emptiness at last. I'm feeling pain. I'm feeling pain from almost dying, from my injuries, and pain from all have had in my life. It's all too much, though- it piles on my chest and it feels like it may suffocate me.

But I focus on Dan's hand.  _Dan's hand._

I just need to hold onto him, his hand, more than I've ever needed to do anything in my entire existence. I don't need to just hold it, but I ened to hold it back. I focus every remaining ounce of energy into my hand. I'm weak and this is so painful. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. I summon all the love I've ever felt- all the strength that everyone has ever given me- Dan, Woody, Will, Charlie, the fans, the doctors, the nurses, even the crew has ever given me,  and I focus it there. I summon all the breath that fills my lungs and my strength, applying it like a drill, right into my fingers through the palm of my hand. I picture my hand strokng Dan's hair, playing the keyboard...

And then I squeeze.

I slump back, exhasted and unsure if I've actually just done what I think I did. Of what it means. If Dan felt it. If it matters.

But then his grip tightens on my hand. His grasp feels like it's holding my entire body, as though he can lift me right up out of the bed. And then the sharp intake of his breath, following by his soft, reassuring voice. And for the first time in forever; I can truly hear my love.

"Kyle?" 

 

 

And I am awake. I am alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go...  
> Thank you all for reading this, I really appreciate it <3   
> What did you think?
> 
> (It made me cry not gonna lie)


End file.
